“Oww”: The Discomfort of Grief
My 3-year-old niece has recently taken to saying “oww” whenever she’s experiencing something uncomfortable—when her sock is twisted, or her sleeve gets pushed up inside her jacket. As I listened to her mom gently explain the difference between discomfort and pain (and the appropriate use of the word oww), I was reminded of a conversation I have often with many of my clients.
As humans, when we move through our days making decisions—both conscious and passive—we are usually guided by three foundational principles:
Safety first, always
Avoid discomfort at all costs
Choose the path of least resistance
These principles aren’t flaws; they’re protective. They exist for a reason. They help keep us alive, functioning, and regulated in a world that can feel unpredictable. But the hard part about change—even the good kind of change—is that it challenges each of these principles through the introduction of unfamiliarity. And unfamiliarity, to our nervous systems, often registers as danger.
This becomes especially critical in grief work.
Grief has a way of making almost every second of every day feel unsafe, uncomfortable, and hard. The world no longer operates by the rules we once understood. What used to feel familiar doesn’t anymore. The ground beneath us feels unsteady, and our instinct is to retreat—to do whatever we can to minimize the discomfort, numb the pain, or return to what feels known.
But grief doesn’t respond well to avoidance.
In our work together, we often slow things down and begin to explore what safety, discomfort, and resistance actually look like for you in the context of your life. We look at how your body reacts when something feels unfamiliar. We get curious about what happens when discomfort shows up. And we gently examine how our deeply rooted rejection of discomfort—our urgency to make the “oww” stop—might actually be the very thing keeping us stuck in a place that already feels unbearable.
Discomfort and pain are not the same, even though they can feel indistinguishable in the moment. Discomfort asks something of us. It invites attention, presence, and sometimes a shift. Pain demands care and protection. When we treat every uncomfortable sensation as something that must be immediately fixed or avoided, we miss the information it’s trying to offer.
Grief work is not about forcing yourself into suffering or pushing past your limits. It’s about expanding your capacity to be with what is—slowly, compassionately, and at your own pace. It’s about learning that not every “oww” means something is wrong. Sometimes it means something is changing.
So maybe there’s a better word.
Maybe there’s a better way.
A way that allows space for discomfort without assuming danger. A way that honors your grief without letting fear dictate every step forward. A way to move through your grief, rather than around it.
And if that feels hard—if it feels unfamiliar—you’re not doing it wrong. You’re just doing something new.
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If this resonates with you - you’re not alone.
And if it doesn’t - that’s also okay.
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